Black Friday...Day of the Dingus

BLACK FRIDAY ! dun , dun , dun ...... It's come and gone again, the day when normal minded people loose all sensibility and camp out in alleyways to be the first in a long line of morons.

First of all, anyone in retail will tell you that Black Friday ( while huge ) is not the biggest day of the year in sales. In fact it's not even in the top three for most establishments. No , the three biggest days in retail are actually Christmas Eve, the day before and the day before that.. If Christmas day happens to fall on a Sunday then it's a lock. Sure the big companies put out some big sales on Black Friday but it's all a sham. A sham that apparently runs like clockwork every single year.

If you own a retail store ( especially in a mall ) then you know what is going on. You just wrote a check that is sure to bounce unless you can blow through a shit load of product between Black Friday and Christmas Eve. You've waited all year to do this. Ten and a half months of breaking even at best has left you suicidal and praying that the American economy bounces back this year. You already know that you will make 30 to 50 percent of your yearly sales in the 5 "big weeks" leading up to Christmas. You are trying to maximise your sales potential and you've bought way to much inventory. If you planed your deliveries right then you have it all in your shop right around November 10th.

Now you wait, and stress. Faced with bills that exceed your mental capability to rationalize you take stock of your ...............stock. You've got way to much , if you don't sell a certain portion of it your screwed. Big bills, no money , and way too much inventory. A company can not profit in this way. What's the answer ? Black Friday .

Put it on sale ! Drop the price ! I'll make up my margin by selling more units !

It's actually a good little plan. Why ? Because you know that the American consumer is a highly stressed out individual who is desperate to give you their hard earned money. You KNOW  that every American is so brainwashed to the giving side of the holidays that they will break the bank for Christmas even if the bank has already broken them.

You KNOW that the majority of the people that come in to your store are on the verge of destitution. You KNOW  that most people will fore go bills,braces for the kids,car payments,house payments,liens,court fees, and just about any other form of debt so long as they can produce a "good" Christmas for their loved ones. Americans will do anything and everything to that end. Hell , even people who have no money at all will open credit cards with the sole desire to succeed at the holidays.

I don't blame you store owner, if there is money to be made then go make it. It's not your fault that the American public is so brainwashed that they can't help but to freak out during the holidays. So much so that they don't mind stepping on a fellow human to arrive at the Target sale 5 seconds earlier than the next guy.

http://www.wivb.com/dpp/news/buffalo/Crazed-shoppers-pile-up-at-Target

I also don't blame those of you who enjoy Black Friday ( or any other sale ) correctly. Hell , I remember the Kmart special. I remember hanging with Moms and Aunt Patty at Kmart till all hours of the night just so they could get the midnight specials on gifts. Not to mention the once a year joy of all 3 of us kids sleeping the night away, worn out from 6 hours of isle 7 hockey. Complete with plastic bats and the plastic fruits from the 3 dollar door wreaths.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit a piece of plastic the size of a marble with a stolen wiffle ball bat ? It's hard yo !

So for those of you who don't freak out about your place in line and just go shopping , I salute you. At least you didn't end up like this.

Packing heat I mean.

or like this ..................

OMG i hope the cart is waiting !

Now don't get me wrong people. I love Christmas, I always have. I love the giving , the receiving, the bows , and most importantly the fact that it brings families together. When a child who still believes in Santa first sees the stash under the tree it's magical. It's the best thing on earth. But I'm afraid that that phenomenon has been destroyed by the multitude who feel the need to keep up with the Kardashians.

Need proof ? Here ya go .

Crazed shoppers stampede a Target

Marine stabbed by shoplifter in Georgia

Man arrested for packing gun at Walmart

Food court placed on lock down after gunshots

Shopper arrested after cutting in line ....arguing 

NFL WEEK 12 - WTWF

There are big games a plenty in the NFL this week, but the one I'm watching may surprise you.

Thanksgiving football was watchable this year for once. The Patriots and Jets both held serve against weaker ( but game ) teams to improve their records to 9-2 setting up a blockbuster match up next Monday night. Keep in mind that the Jets already beat the Pats in week 2 and another victory would essentially put them up 2 full games in the AFC East and give them the front running spot for the number one seed in the AFC this year.

In the NFC the good but not quite as impressive as last year New Orleans Saints escaped a resurgent Dallas team to improve to 8-3 on the year. Good thing too as they are locked in what is arguably the toughest division battle in football. The upstart Tampa Bay Bucs are 7-3 going into a huge game against Ray Lewis and the Ravens (also 7-3) in Baltimore. Winners of two straight the Bucs could go to 8-3 as well and with 2 division games left could make the playoff chase more than a little interesting. Not to mention the NFC South !

On top of that the first place Atlanta Falcons (8-2) have a chance to keep a one game lead on both this week. But only if they can beat the tied for 1st place in the North Green Bay Packers who have now won 4 straight despite a plethora of injuries. So what is essentially a battle of first place teams in the NFC (Pack 7-3 vs Atl 8-2) should prove to be a good one.

Speaking of the NFC, we also have another first place game ( due to the tie in the North ) the super hero esque, Michael Vick led Eagles stroll into Chicago to face the 7-3 Bears. Another potential blockbuster. And if the Giants beat the Jaguars it will only serve to further the gridlock at the top of the NFC. All of those games have huge implications of course but none of them involve the team with the most to loose this week. But first let's recap the big games of week # 13 so far.

Pats,Jets,and Saints win to improve to 9-2,9-2,and 8-3 respectively.

7-3 Packers go to 8-2 Falcons
7-3 Eagles go to 7-3 Bears
7-3 Bucs go to 7-3 Ravens

and if you are a fan of the AFC ( west in particular) 6-4 Kansas City goes to 5-5 Seattle and 5-5 Miami goes to 5-5 Oakland.

Boy this is great right ? Of course it is , but there is one more game to discuss. The most important of the week in my estimation. The Sunday night game. Winners of 3 straight, notorious late starters, and bona fied Colt crushers take their 5-5 record into Indianapolis to face the 6-4 Colts who are more than a little depleted with injuries. The same could also be said for the Chargers though.

Now we all know that the Chargers and Colts have had some epic games over the last ten years. If not for the whole Pats v Colts rivalry this may be the most exiting AFC match up around. The Chargers always seem to have a little something extra for the Colts no matter what the situation. The Chargers may start slow every year but one thing is for sure , Phillip Rivers will have those boys primed and ready come the post season. As for the Colts, they usually start fast and continue that right on in to the post season. But this year is different.

Has anyone realised that if the playoffs started last week that the Colts would have been left out ? Oh yeah , believe it or not the Jags have them beat on the Division record tie breaker right now. They are only 6-5 ! When was the last time the Peyton Manning Colts lost 5 games before December , or in a season you ask ? Well it was in 2002 when they 10-6 and lost in the wild card to the Jets.

As I said earlier the Jets and Pats have already moved to 9-2 in the East. The Steelers ( who look great right now ) and Ravens are both 7-3 and both have games they should win this week. The 6-4 Chiefs look like they are for real this year and the Chargers (5-5) are coming on strong at the right time. The four teams in their own division are only separated by 2 games and the bottom two are Tennessee and Houston ! The Jags are actually above them based on tie breakers.

If the Colts loose to San Diego tomorrow it will leave them at 6-5 with a 1-2 division record and a 4-4 conference record. They could still be tied for the division lead if Jacksonville looses to the Giants but those are not good numbers for a team trying to make the playoffs.

The bright side for Colts fan is this. The Colts remaining games after San Diego tomorrow are Dallas , at the Titans , Jacksonville , at the Raiders and the Titans at home to finish it off. Now those are all games that the Colts could,should, and probably will win. But if they loose to San Diego this week ( and I think they will ) that leaves them at 6-5 with the rejuvenated Cowboys , a freaky weird Raider team , Maurice Jones Drew and Chris Johnson twice , left on the schedule.

Moral of the story ? The Indianapolis Colts had better bring their A game the rest of the year. Because if they drop one or two and don't win the South, they may not make the playoffs at all.

Pirate of The Caribbean you aint.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Ah yes the human spirit. . The unbeatable giant that rests deep within us all. Some deeper than others of course, but it's there just the same in each and every one of us.

We hear about it all the time. Even with all the horrible tragedies and murder suicides that seem to plague the news rolls daily. Despite all the political scandals and stories about animal cruelty, you can't watch the news long before you get that one heartwarming story of human triumph to even things out for you. The real feel good stories. You know the ones , the stories that are almost too outrageous to be true, but sure enough there it is on tape lifting your spirits and making want to be a better person.

Like when that guy sawed off his own arm to free himself of a fallen boulder. Or when that 11 year old girl got trapped in a flash flood and subsequently got sucked down a storm drain. Only to emerge three blocks away completely among the living. Or the time Sandra Bullock dyed her hair and set out to rescue an innocent giganto from the mean streets Memphis and turn him into a football star. Yeah , and the best part is that all those wonderful stories are completely 100% true!

Sadly , so is this one.   

Man stuck on island for five days had cell phone

read the full story here

 

What started out as yet another story of human endurance and the will of the human spirit quickly turned out to be far more comical. Too bad , I hate it when a good story gets ruined by the truth. Oh no wait , (giggle) I love it, and this one is pretty good.

 

A 54 year old artist from Encino, CA found himself all Tom Hank'sd on a tiny swath of land called Roe Island after failing to successfully captainise his tiny rubber raft from the Sacremento River all the way out to the Golden Gate bridge. Upon becoming stranded Brian "Goat Man" Hopper's survival instincts kicked right on in to fifth gear. He survived on some vitamins he'd brought with him as well as some of the native foliage and the two ( count em two) burritos he had packed for the trip. Hell, he even managed to fashion himself a makeshift S.O.S. sign with some duct tape and a red table cloth.

 

 

One can only assume that the duct tape was brought along just in case his $300 inflatable raft sprung a leak. As for the table cloth ? Who doesn't like a nice solo picnic underneath the Golden Gate bridge ? I know I do. So in this fashion the "Goat Man" survived for five days on his deserted island despite a lack of food , clean drinking water and by all reports some horrible weather.

 

The problem of course is this ............HE HAD A CELLPHONE THE WHOLE TIME!

When asked why he didn't use it sooner he replied , and I quote ,

 

"I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island" and "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy."

 

Well at least that's a good reason, shame, I can dig that. But there is nothing shameful about being shipwrecked, it's been happening to sailors longer than scurvy. So why the big sense of impending embarrassment ? Perhaps it had something to do with his ships manifest of supplies.

 

camping supplies, two burritos, a bag of vitamins, a bible, and a mannequin of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

HEY-OOOOOOO there it is! A mannequin of the Govenator , a tent , some curious "vitamins" , just enough burritos for two and a Bible, just to keep it all holy. Right then , that's completely normal.

Just one question. Sir, were you or were you not , planning to slip a roofie into a homemade burrito and feed it to an inanimate likeness of Arnold Swartzenager with the criminal intent of getting biblical on that ass?

 

 

Yeah , "Goat Man" indeed. The "man's" story goes as follows.

"This trip was a campaign,"--- "I wanted to bring more attention to social diseases."

Uh huh , it sounds to me like you had more than a few social diseases with you in that raft. I think I would have eatin that cell phone before even thinking of calling for help.



this has been a Hapa-Blap

Tracy Morgan ...Straight up Wacky

If any of you out there are too uptight and square or just flat out can't stand Saturday Night Live. Or stand up comedy at all for that matter. It's possible that you may not be aware of one Tracy Jamal Morgan, I guess. He was on SNL  for years and is a pretty prominent character on the hit show 30 Rock. Hell he even did some decent stand up from time to time back in the day. But for the most part Tracy Morgan is best known for saying completely off the wall shit at the most unusual times and looking like this .

go get em T.

At any rate I've always found the man's sheer ridiculousness to be absolutely hysterical. So of course as the high quality journalist and gold chain model that I am, I decided to call in some favors and get myself an interview. 

Sadly it turns out that all my best connections combined were only big time enough to get me a 10 minute google chat with Tracy. Not even a Skype session, damn. After voicing my displeasure with this Tracy's people assured me (between chuckles) that I would indeed get ten minutes time with the real Tracy Morgan. There was only one catch they said. Tracy had decided that he would only speak to me by way of re tweeting his own tweets. 

I was disappointed at first but then I thought , ok screw it , if that's how they want to be. Tracy Morgan's old shit is still better than most celebrities live shit so to hell with it, I agreed to the chat.

So without further delays I welcome you all to sit back and enjoy my interview with Tracy Morgan. Or his  Twitter feed, or whatevs.

   

Pedro Gorinni                                             VS

Tracy Morgan

PEDRO - "Ok I'm in the chat room now , Tracy can you see me ?"

TRACY - The wait is over! The black Svengali has arrived! I'm on the street turning good girls bad and getting them pregnant!!! 1:01 PM Oct 8th, 2009 via web

PEDRO - "YAAA that's what I'm talking about ! Tracy Morgan in the house everybody! Tracy we only have ten minutes here so I'll get right to it. How are things going on 30 Rock man , how's the career treatin ya?"

TRACY - 30 ROCK rocks- Stay tuned. You ain’t seen nothing yet. 1,255,718,032,000.00 via UberTwitter

PEDRO - "That it does sir , that it does. I'm a big fan of your comedy my man, got anything new on the horizon?"

TRACY - Check out my story I'm THE NEW BLACK, its out today! 1,256,044,115,000.00 via web

PEDRO - "Great! I'll check that out. What is it exactly? Some kind of tell all book?"

TRACY - Fuck that. Express yourself. 1,255,212,851,000.00 via web 

PEDRO - "Right, uhm , If someone like me wanted to read it where would I find it?"

TRACY - It don't matter who you be just be for real if you want to fuck with Tracy Morgan. Bout to do a show at Penn St. Check me out. 1,255,213,421,000.00 via web  

PEDRO - "I see, how's the family?"

TRACY - World Be Free. Oh Yeah, Evil Knievel's my biological father. 1,255,194,048,000.00 via UberTwitter 

PEDRO - "Boy Tracy , you sure have  a way with words. But speaking of fatherhood, you have three boys don't you?"

TRACY - Im a good parent so ill induce the labor 1,255,033,782,000.00 via web 

PEDRO - "Oooooooooooo K then. I'm terrified to ask how that might go so I'll just change the sub--"

TRACY - my dickhead is shaped liked a darth vadar helmet. my dick is so fat it looks like r2d2. 1,255,030,993,000.00 via web 

PEDRO - " Say what ? oh , well , never mind. What's a guy like you do in his spare time?"

TRACY - For $15 I'll induce your labor 1,256,133,201,000.00 via UberTwitter 

PEDRO - "Dear god. This seems like it might be getting away from me T."

TRACY - I'm doing stand up this Friday at Carnegie Hall. Come check me out...I'm going raw dog on this one. 1,257,295,807,000.00 via web 

PEDRO - "Your not quite all there are you big man?"

TRACY - Welcome To Tracy Morgans World... 10:31 AM Oct 8th, 2009 via web 

PEDRO - " Indeed , well I did ask for this interview. Let's try to get back on track here. I've heard you like to get down bro, what's a big weekend for you these days?"

TRACY - At Yankee Stadium chillin with Harry Bellafonte 1,256,424,746,000.00 via UberTwitter 

PEDRO - ................................

TRACY - Just got off the phone with puff daddy wishing him a happy birthday 1,257,361,787,000.00 via web  

PEDRO - "You know what , I think I've had enough bro , thanks for hanging wi--"

TRACY - having a cheeseburger delux and diet coke at 9am - breakfast of champions 1,256,133,060,000.00 via UberTwitter

PEDRO - "Whatever dude , I'm outta here."

TRACY - Come holler at me tomorrow night 7pm in harlem HUE MAN BOOK STORE. 1,256,050,270,000.00 via UberTwitter 

PEDRO - "Ya probably not , see ya" 



Welcome to Shameless O' Blogahanns

Welcome readers to the all new Shameless O' Blogahanns blog spot. I'll be your host Shameless O' Blogahann as we attempt to bring you a wide variety of barely literate satire here at O' Blogahanns.

First things first , I am already sick of typing the name and O' Blogahann and I am seriously thinking that this whole thing is a bad idea.

At any rate when I said "we" earlier I meant it. There is simply too much going on in the world today for a simple Irish Hooligan Wannabe like myself to possibly cover it all. Even my enormous brain can't comprehend the sheer vastness of stupidity that permeates our world these days. So I enlisted a little help. Some real go getters who have their snot covered fingers directly placed on the pulse of modern America. At least I hope so anyway.

For myself , I plan to blog about whatever the hell I want. It's my page and you can't take it from me. So there. In addition to my views I have enlisted the services of "The Big Ragu" author of "The Ragu Rewind" to handle all things sports and entertainment related. Sir Ragu will keep you up to date on recent sporting news (minus soccer of course) as well as writing whatever the hell HE  wants. There might even be some movie reviews mixed in. He has his own ranking scale you know. Though I can't say what decade of film he may review at any given time. So with that said I'd like to introduce our sports and entertainment analyst and totally legitimate playboy .....THE BIG RAGU !!

not pictured--peter mcgarry

In addition to all of that I felt that it would be just plain moronic not to include at least a few political opinion columns here at O' Blogahanns (ugh) after all, some of our readers could be smart. Hey! It could happen. So for all the big dealings in Washington and all the news regarding the leaders and governments in our world today. Not to mention what ever the hell HE feels like writing. I hired long time (short time) political dingusoid and author of the "Hapa-Blap" one Mr. Jorge "Hap" Hapablap. 

So lets all give a big round of applause for the one time journalist of the day , (not a thing) , political hardballer (not true) and self proclaimed "fantaismo" (not even a real word) Mr. Jorge "Hap" Hapablap !

 not pictured--peter mcgarry

Last but not least I felt we had to have a real man of the streets. Someone who could separate the Hollywood from the Dollywood from the Morningwood. The kind of no nonsense reporter that refuses to fold in the face of main stream media. This is the man who will keep you up to date on the REAL  stories of the day.

 That's right, you got it, celebrity drunkenness. He's not the nicest man. In fact I'm not entirely certain he's not hiding your closet right now. Yet I am certain that in the coming months you will find that Pedro Gorinni, author of the hit blog "Skepticular Cancer-Plagiarising you daily" (zero posts as of this time) will be second to none (all) when rehashing the gritty,grimy,celebrity news of the day. 

Also, whatever the hell HE  feels like writing. So let me introduce the final member and key cog in our stupidity machine, Mr. Pedro Gorinni! 

not pictured--peter mcgarry

Hey did anyone else notice that all these guys got the " whatever the hell they want" disclaimer ?

Ya well I won't lie to you. (again :] ) All three of these guys are certifiable maniacs, they busted into my office this morning demanding something they called  "brain space on the word-mo-trons." I was about to kick them out when all three simultaneously raised large hunting knives to what I assumed was the throats of three hard boiled eggs complete with magic marker eyes and toothpick dongs.

Let me tell you people when see a thing like that, you surrender.

Anyway , look forward to this all new word-mo-tron production. Should be interesting at the least.

I am Shameless O' Blogahann and this is my new blog....I guess.

not pictured--peter mcgarry